Friday, May 01, 2009
I've been sleepless for over than three days now.. I was on vacation for 10 days, and returned work by the 27th.. since then and my mind is working to solve that bug.. at times I feel my mind stopped working.. I'm talking with people, but I'm not listening to them, I can no longer comprehend what they are saying.. dozens of things to do.. meetings, testings, analysis, debugging, follow up, daily support, etc..
At times I feel I just need to disappear, I don't go anywhere around the place, without coming acorss somone who wants something from me.. ENOUGH.. I can no longer take it.. I'm over filled with requests. What really irritates me, that each one of them thinks he/she is the only user I have, and I'm there sitting just waiting to support them and solve their stupid problems..
I don't have time to carry out proactive actions to stop being reactive to every problem that occurs.. being over filled with tasks sometimes affect the quality of work.. I'm running from here to there.. wanting to solve this problem, and make that person work..
I've been stuck with this bug for days now.. normally this doesn't happen with me that often.. I manage to discover bugs and solve them right away.. except this time.. not sure what's the reason.. what's making it really worse, I feel it's a very easy thing.. and I would have caught it from the first day.. but I'm totally distracted.. my mind is really tired, and I feel I'm mentally blocked..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 2:07 AM, |
Thursday, April 02, 2009
"ana mesh mabsouta" da el sho3or elly mesh 3ayez yfar2ny el ayam di.. 7atta lama yb2a fi 7aga tebsetny, wa da naderan lama ye7sal, barga3 3ala toul l 7alet el ekte2ab elly mlazmany el youeen dool.. ba2eet sha7'seya ka2eeba gedan.. mesh tay2a nafsy.. wala el nas elly 7awalya.. walla sho3'ly.. wala ayy 7aga fi donia di..
Kol ma afakar.. 2ala2y eny mesh 2adra atakabl nafsy zayy ma heyya.. wala 3arfa a3'ayarha.. sa3ata 2a2ool ana zayy mana.. w mesh 3ayza at3'ayar.. w sa3at tanya 2a2ool la2.. ana lazem a3'ayar nafsy lel a7san.. bas te3bt.. 7'alas mesh 2adra.. mesh 3ayza 2ab2a a7san..
ana 7ata ell 7agat el kowayesa elly fi 7ayaty ba2t bday2ny mesh btbstny.. ana fakra kowayes youm el appraisal bta3y.. my manager 2aly kalam 7elwa gedan.. and I was exceeding his expectations.. bas ana youmha 7'aragt men el appraisal mesh tay2a nafsy.. w rawa7t tool el taree2 l7ad el el beit memaweta nafsy men el 3eyat.. mesh 3arfa sa3etha ana eih elly kan meza3lny.. momken ykoon elly za3lny eny 7aseet enaha mesh far2a m3aya.. ze3lt 3lshan 7aseet eny mesh mabsouta b 7aga el mafroud tfara7ny.. felt pitty for myself.. eza kan el 7aga el wa7eed elly mafrood tefara7ny mafara7tneesh.. eih b2a elly momken y7'aleeny mabsouta..
el mawdoo3 ba2a mo7ayer gedan.. sa3at ba7es eny 7atta ma3ndeesh kalam 2a2olo.. mesh 2adra atkalem w atala3 elly gowaya.. yemken 3lshan mafeesh 7aga gowaya.. aw yemken 3lshan elly gowaya keteeeeer awyy.. law tel3 ma3rfsh ta2sero 7aykoon eih 3alya.. bas el conclusion eny karha 7ayaty w mesh 3arfa a3'ayarha..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:28 PM, |
Thursday, March 26, 2009
For many years of my life, I've been watching life from behind a window.. that used to be my only role in this life.. a marginalized person, who barely can be noticed by anyone.. but I was a curious watcher.. I loved it.. and back then, I thought that to be able to take a role in this life, I have to see first how is it going, to study it first, know the rules, and then I can participate..
I barely shared in anything.. I've had times in which I might be in the middle of a very interesting conversation, and I've got a lot to say, but I've never did.. I've never allowed my thoughts to cross that border of my mind and be expressed in any form.. it was recently that I've started releasing these thoughts in the form of writing.. it was a relief for me.. just expressing, and letting all what's inside go out made me happy..
Days went by, and I decided to change.. decided that it's time to take a role in this life, and enough with the watching.. sometimes I feel the decision was too late.. other times I feel I was better off watching.. and other times I think it worth the fighting..
I've started fighting.. showing that I exist.. I succeeded.. I was happy about it.. I thought that life is beautiful.. I thought it was easy to play the game.. but unfortunately, it didn't last for long.. I started doubting this happiness.. felt it was fake.. felt that I'm just fooling myself.. I don't have the tools to play the game right.. and I can't play it my way..
I've had a sudden drop down.. I ran to my shell again.. felt it's the safest and the best place to be.. but again, it's suffocating me.. I can't find enough air to breath in there.. after playing a role in life, it's hard to go back to be a watcher.. confused.. bored.. tired.. feel I can no longer stand it.. as if I'm an alien from some other place.. I can't cope in here.. unfortunately I'm different.. and that uniqueness is causing me nothing but inability to live this life..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:58 PM, |
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I need to go back on diet again :'( I guess that's the 10th time I say this.. bas 7a3mel eih.. seems I'll live my whole life dreaming of losing those extra kilos..
I'm tired of work.. sometimes I feel I don't wanna go.. simply, I don't feel like working today.. bas lel asaf.. things doesn't work that way..
I'm not enjoying anything anymore.. not even outings, trips, shopping, nothing at all..
I'm going in circles again, and I'm hating it..
Back again into a new crush.. when will I ever stop this?!!!
I need to put an action plan for my life.. days are just running away from my hands..
I need to accept myself as is.. stop trying to be someone else.. just accept me as is..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:19 PM, |
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
One of the worst things in this life is to live without having a reason to live for.. without a goal.. without a plan to carry out.. to live same exact days.. with different dates..
I wake up in the morning, not wanting to wake up.. not wanting to go to work, and do the same exact things over and over.. I go to work, and I keep saying I want to go home.. comes time to go home.. I say I want to stay and I don't want to go home.. I go home, sit in front of the T.V. then go to sleep.. comes next morning, same scenario is repeated..
I'm really sick of living such life.. not having a real goal to live for is gonna kill me one day.. I need to have a real goal.. something that I really need to do from deep inside.. not something that I'm obliged to have as a goal..
I'm a person who hates rules, simply because I follow them.. I'm not in a need for any rules.. I need to live a free life.. to do what I really want to do.. without being judged.. without being questioned about everything I do.. I need to live my life according to the person I really am.. not according my family, my environment, my community..
I don't want a single person to interfere.. I need to trust people.. to say whatever comes to my mind at whatever time.. to speak out my real feelings.. I need to feel secured.. I need to break that boredom state..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:15 PM, |
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Not knowing what exactly you want is really irritating.. one day you feel you need this thing, the other day you feel you don't.. flexibility should have it's limits.. a person shouldn't be flexible about everything.. actually I'm not.. however, I seem to be so..
But again, I'm not flexible, and at the same time I don't know what do I want.. I'm really such a confusing person.. I can't please myself, and I make it hard for others to please me as well.. at the same time, it's very small simple things that makes me fly with happiness.. I'm really a weird person..
Lately I've been under a pressure to define what is it that I want in my life partner.. believe it or not, I've never had clear specifications for that.. yes, I do have minimum requirements, but I can't list it down in a list.. why can't people understand this?!
Why do I feel that I think about it in a completely different way than others do? am I right, or are they? or it's neither of us?!
I'm tired of thinking about it.. as much as I'm a too much of "accepting person" I sometimes can't tolerate people.. and the strange things is; most of the time I don't tolerate those I thought I like! Strange, yes I know, but that's me.. a continuously repeating scenario.. why does it always happen that way?
It's like needing something very much, but you can't afford it.. yes, I can't afford what it costs to have someone in my life.. I can't share, take care of someone, I can't give as I take.. I'm not able to compromise..
The question here, so, what is it that I'm gonna do?! live the rest of my life feeling afraid of letting someone get near.. not opening up to people, feeling that no one understands me.. there should be a way out of all this.. else I'm gonna go crazy..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 9:47 PM, |
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Which is better.. to let things go without interfering, or to interfere and make things clear?! I'm bored of thinking about it.. afraid to take a wrong decision.. a decision that I might regret afterwards.. generally, I'm not a person who regrets.. however, it sometimes happens..
What is it that I'm afraid of? May be I'd hurt someone.. or may be I'd lose someone, and then will discover how stupid I was.. and if I didn't end it, I might be taking a wrong decision..
It's really confusing.. but boring.. that neutral state is really boring.. sometimes I don't see it working at all.. we are different.. he is not the one.. but other times I think "may be I won't find the one"
May be I enjoy the feeling.. but not the person.. though, I'm hating to let someone get closer.. it's really irritating me..
Started to doubt that there is something wrong in me.. I might be having issues.. I'm afraid, escaping, protecting, stubborn, contradicting…
Weird enough, I even don't feel like talking about it..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:37 PM, |
Monday, December 22, 2008
Running.. running.. running..
That's how I feel.. days are running.. I'm running to catch up with days.. events are happening so quickly.. I feel there is a lot to do before end of year.. and many things are happening, as if they want to catch end of year as well.. strange!
Work.. decisions.. family.. friends.. myself.. outings.. trips.. and many more things that I need to do something about before end of year.. not sure why are they related.. but I just feel I've got that deadline that I need to catch up with.. and still days are slipping out of my hands.. I wake up, to find myself going to bed for a new day.. manyyy things to do.. and I'm doing nothing..
May be because I need to have a brand new start fr 2009.. wash out all my fears, worries, failures, disappointments.. and stand up for a new year, filled with hopes, wishes, love, beauty, and most important thing a peaceful heart, mind and soul..
That's why I'm rushing.. to end up everything.. to be a new "me"..
Worried?! yes, I'm afraid I'm gonna disappoint myself again.. I might not be up to my expectations..
Need to write down my new year's resolution.. and try to stick to them this year b2a..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 10:38 PM, |
Sunday, December 14, 2008
A friend of mine is getting married in January, and I felt I need to have a new soirée dress, and I decided to have a new one done..
I had a strange feeling regarding this dress.. felt I'm gonna wear it in a special occasion for myself, my engagement for example.. it was really weird.. a more strange thing, my mum was thinking of the same idea.. she told me may be this is gonna be your engagement dress! Was it telepathy, or there is something really about the dress?!
However, this dress was of bad omen as well, one day I had to go and preview it, my mum had a flat tire and we couldn't go.. it was postponed to another day, and my mum's uncle passed away on that day!
The day I got the dress finalized, I had my first meeting with someone who was proposing.. though, I'm carrying out all plans for tatfeesh el 3arees :D
Just a week from getting my dress, and during this horrible story of the groom, we discover that my mum has a serious illness..
Still, I'm hanging it outside the wardrobe, just in front of me.. feeling strange about it, feel there is gonna be a story with this dress.. who knows what's coming next..
Usually, I'm not a superstitious person, I sometimes feel good about things, bad about others, but I never took it seriously.. but this time it's really weird..
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:36 PM, |
Thursday, December 11, 2008
matloob 7'etta l tatfeesh 3arees.. any ideas?!
posted by MoonLightShadow at 11:49 PM, |
